Healing...

Now, we have gotten through one more fall,
I can just admit I’ve got it all
’cause I do; ’cause I’ve got You
We’ve crossed these battle lines
too many times
it passes through the heart
but it never leaves a mark.

‘Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
no matter how I bruise
if I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
one more cure, one more chance
that wasn’t there before
in Your arms, no pain can harm the way I’m feeling
LORD I know that Your love is healing.

I kicked around these lines in my head
but I never listened to the words that You said
see where it’s lead
well, I think I have it now
‘cause You’ve showed me how
and all I had to do
was just to keep my eyes on You.

July 25, 2008

How can I forget that day?!

At 6:30 am, my tatay left the house to go to one of our rice farm. In less than 30 minutes I heard my nanay’s cry and said “wala n ang tatay mo”… I don’t exactly know what my first reaction was, what I remember now was that I embraced my nanay and cried in her shoulder…

Dumating ang mga relatives and then pumunta cla sa location ng crime, it was more than 4 kms from our house… no one from the relatives said yes sa pagsama ko sa papunta sa location of the crime, all of them said that its better to stay home and take care of my mother pero I wanna make sure kung totoo b ung iniiiyak ko… I saw a cousin and pinilit ko cya n pumunta kmi… and there I saw the body… ung tatay ko n nakahandusay at nakalugmok. I really can’t explain the feeling; all that I know was ndi kaya ng mga tuhod ko to remain standing in front of my father’s dead body. I wanna embrace my tatay, I wanna put my hand sa tapat ng puso nya to know if he still breathe, I wanna hold his face but none of those things ang nagawa ko… the police gave a warning that “ndi pwedeng hawakan” and we still have to wait for the SOCO Team so I just sat down beside my tatay and had my prayer… I saw the bullet entry sa right sentido nya and I even asked the police “un lang b ung tama?” and one police said meron p sa left underarm tagos sa right”… then ndi ko n matandaan kung paano ako nakauwi sa bahay.

Then we [my mom and I] decided to call my kuya and my sister [they’re not home that time] to let them know what happened… We were all crying that time but still managed to tell to each other to calm down and that we can make it…

I was crying in my room, when my mother told me that one of my tito asked if we still want an autopsy of the body and my mother cant decide on it… My kuya and my two younger sisters was not home that time so I made the decision…I went to the Police Station, sobrang hirap to decide whether or not to sign that request pero ginawa ko. I was crying when I signed the request…After I signed it I went home and my mother again asked me “ano ang ipapasuot natin sa tatay mo?” so I rushed to the mall para personal n pumili ng barong and slacks for my tatay… I know more than anyone kung ano ang design, color and texture ng gusto nya [I used to go on shopping with my tatay and I am missing it now] and then bring it to the funeral parlor… pagdating ko dun I saw my kuya, he embraced me and again asked me what happened and I said “hindi ko alam” and then cried…then one of my tita lead us [my kuya and I] to a room, it’s a room full of casket…then asked my kuya to choose a casket for my tatay. My kuya looked at me and told me to choose… it was again my decision… again I don’t know how I made all those things and decision but I made it…I MADE IT!

It’s almost 6pm when my father’s body arrived [sa haus ang burol]… and again ang pagtulo ng mga luha…

One big problem left…How will I tell Eloisa [our bunso]…She’s in the school that time and I’m really worried of her reaction so I didn’t call her to tell what happened. She was still far from the house when she saw that “black cloth/fabric”. My kuya rushed to her at nakita ko kung paano cya nagpapadayak and throwing her arms to the people embracing her while asking about that black cloth… habang papalapit sila ng kuya ko sa harap ng house [my kuya didn’t explain anything yet] and then, there she saw the lights and the casket inside the house… I run to her and embraced her and she asked me “sino yan?”… My tears kept on falling that time and don’t know how to tell her but she shouted on me… “sino yan?” pointing her hand on the casket [she didn’t see my mother around so she still have no idea]…it was so hard for me to tell her [ we are both daddy’s girl, we are the daddy’s favorites]. After a deep sigh, I said… “si tatay”, and there we cried and I embraced her as tighter as I can…she asked me what happened and again I answered her “hindi ko alam”… she shouted all bad words she knows while crying so hard…

And then there’s the “burol time”, habang lumilipas ang mga araw from the day of the death tumitindi ung “pain”, ginusto kong magwala or even hurt myself physically kc that time baka mas gustuhin kong maramdaman ung “physical pain” than the “pain na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko” pero ndi ko ginawa… I know that I have to have that strength for my family… for my mom, my kuya and my sisters…

Time of interment came… sa bawat paghakbang ng mga paa ko ay nararamdaman ko ang pangungulila… sa bawat paghinga ko ay nararamdaman ko ang sakit… sa bawat pagpatak ng luha ko ay isinisigaw ng puso ko ang galit…hanggang sa dumating ang takdang oras para tuluyang magpaalam…when they opened the casket, hinawakan ko sa dibdib ang tatay ko, sa tapat ng puso nya… and told him “THANK YOU SA LAHAT”.

It’s exactly two months since my tatay passed away and I don’t really know how we’ve survived those two months. I still feel the pain, sadness, anger and longing… but I know I am stronger and tougher now to deal with those feelings and eventually be back to my normal life… I ALWAYS PRAY FOR IT!

Still...

It’s really hard waking up each day crying… it’s almost two months since my tatay passed away but still the pain and longing is there. I always think and miss him. I am missing the mornings of having coffee with him, missing the weekend-jogging with him, shopping with him, eating our favorite food at our favorite restaurants, discussing different issues with him, missing spending time with him…

I don’t know when will I be totally over with this feeling or will I really be?! Sana dumating ang araw na gigising ako na wala ng luha sa mga mata ko at wala na ang sakit sa dibdib ko… na bbalik ulit sa normal ang buhay ko. SANA…


"just let me ride this wave of sorrow until it numbs everything I've been denying..."